Expensive Abby: My letter of clarification after the disastrous Thanksgiving did no good

DEAR ABBY: My mother and I’ve a particularly troublesome relationship. She desires to deal with me like a baby, regardless that I’m 66.

My husband and I do loads of issues for her and her husband, as they’re of their mid-80s.

Thanksgiving was a catastrophe, and we now not wish to spend any holidays with them. She asks everybody however me why I’m mad at her. Once I tried to clarify to her in a letter how her actions have an effect on me, she acquired defensive and referred to as it “hateful.”

I don’t like confrontations. I’m like a deer in headlights and might’t consider something to say to her.

How can I let her know we plan to spend our holidays alone now, with out her feeling like we hate her?

— ALONE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR ALONE: I see no purpose to inform your mom you’ll spend no extra holidays along with her and her husband. If she asks, say you’ve got made “other plans” and gained’t be accessible.

If she accuses you of hating her or being mad at her, inform her that, for the explanations said in your letter, it has change into too tense.

In case your mom complains to the remainder of the family members, as she most likely will, clarify your causes for skipping the stress-filled holidays and inform them they will clarify it to her as a result of each time you’ve got tried, she tunes you out.

DEAR ABBY: A yr in the past, I came upon my husband has been dishonest on me with a number of girls for greater than a decade and stored two of his conquests for that whole time. He additionally despatched all our financial savings to his girlfriends abroad.

As a result of we’ve two disabled grownup youngsters and one neurotypical grownup little one, I made a decision to remain within the marriage.

A yr later, I’m nonetheless struggling. The truth is, I really feel worse. I barely sleep and have developed extreme nervousness.

I’ve nobody to speak to about this as a result of I’m embarrassed and humiliated by what he’s carried out to our household.

To defend my youngsters, since they’d endure needlessly in the event that they knew about his infidelity, I placed on a facade and faux every thing is OK.

I’m determined for sleep, however all I do is cry and wander round my home at evening. My husband locations all of the blame on me, which leaves me feeling so betrayed and harm that I don’t know what to do.

What are the steps I have to take to place this behind me and transfer ahead with out having to replay it in my head on a regular basis?

— ROCKED WORLD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ROCKED WORLD: Your first step ought to be to talk to your doctor about what has been happening, after which to ask for a referral to a licensed psychological well being skilled. It will be important you’ve got somebody to speak to as a result of remaining silent is making you sick.

Talking the reality is not going to mirror badly on you. Your youngsters don’t have anything to achieve by being stored at midnight. When your husband emptied your checking account, he was hurting them financially in addition to you.

As soon as you’re emotionally stronger, seek the advice of a lawyer and take your cues from that particular person about how one can defend your self and your youngsters.

Expensive Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also referred to as Jeanne Phillips, and was based by her mom, Pauline Phillips. Contact Expensive Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Field 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.