DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two years in the past, a good friend and I met for lunch and to rejoice our birthdays.
She offered me with a card that featured a stylized drawing of a breed of canine that we each are keen on. As she gave me the cardboard, she famous that she needed to actually debate whether or not she needed to present it to me, as she preferred it a lot.
I allowed that it was a pleasant card, but when she actually needed it, she may maintain it. She refused the provide, so I saved the cardboard secure, pondering that I might body it for her and she or he may have it again.
Once we met for our subsequent birthday lunch, I reminded her of the cardboard and the way she had been reticent to present it to me. I mentioned that I had saved it secure, then offered her with the image. Initially, she was happy, however by the top of the meal she was complaining that she had no place to place it on a desk at her dwelling. I identified that she may hold it up, and she or he grumbled there was no free wall area, however she did take the image along with her.
Quick-forward to this 12 months, after I obtained a bundle from her and inside was that very same framed image as a birthday current. I discovered it irksome. If she had not needed it, she may have simply given it to a charity.
GENTLE READER: Unlucky as that is in your friendship, it’s fascinating to Miss Manners as an illustration of etiquette’s subtext.
On the floor, your habits was cheap and thoughtful. Your good friend admitted to wanting the cardboard, so that you tried to present it again to her. Twice.
However presents (until they’re merely plucked from the recipient’s want listing) are loaded with symbolic that means: “I know you, I understand you, and I want to please you.”
To return a gift to its donor is subsequently to reply with, “Well, you failed.” (Subsequently, discretion is required in disposing of what’s undesirable — which is ok to do, so long as the giver doesn’t know.)
You need to undo that unintended message by telling her how a lot you worth the cardboard and didn’t actually wish to let it go, besides that you simply worth the friendship extra. And ship her a special birthday current reflecting one other curiosity of hers.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What’s the etiquette for who cooks the turkey for Thanksgiving dinner?
We now have members of the family who requested that our daughter prepare dinner and convey the turkey — after she makes a 12-hour drive with two toddlers and her husband.
GENTLE READER: Whoops, etiquette doesn’t have a rule designating the turkey prepare dinner.
Ought to or not it’s the one that is closest to the oven? The one who does it greatest? The one who didn’t do it final 12 months? The one who really volunteers?
Miss Manners can consider exceptions that ought to be made to any of those. So it’s lucky that the matter will be settled by manners rules, of which there are provide.
For instance, consideration of others. A smidgeon of which may recommend that an all-day drive in a crowded automotive with toddlers isn’t good for a turkey, not to mention the passengers.
