DEAR MISS MANNERS: My ex-husband and I’ve been divorced for over 20 years. Neither of us has remarried.
We see one another at household capabilities and are very cordial and well mannered with one another, as is his girlfriend, who additionally attends these occasions. He has been in a relationship with this feminine for a few years, however they don’t dwell collectively.
When our sons had their first infants, my ex wished the household to check with his girlfriend as Nonna (“grandmother”). Our sons instantly shut that concept down, stating that their youngsters have already got a grandmother, and that they might check with the girlfriend by her first title. This was out of respect for me, and in addition to keep away from complicated the kids.
However just lately, when my daughter-in-law and I have been having a dialog about my 9-year-old grandson, she talked about one thing that he had mentioned about his grandfather’s girlfriend, and referred to her as “Nonna.”
Instantly, I requested, “Is he referring to her as Nonna now?” He by no means had earlier than, nor had anybody else within the household. She replied, “Yes.”
I instantly mentioned that I used to be not comfy with that, and that it actually bothered me. The girlfriend will be the substitute Nonna after I die (which I’m not planning on doing anytime quickly).
Am I mistaken in feeling that my grandchildren have already got a grandmother, and that the title shouldn’t be shared with their grandfather’s girlfriend?
GENTLE READER: How you are feeling about it isn’t Miss Manners’ division. Neither is primary biology, although she can’t assist noticing that even when you weren’t divorced, your grandchildren would have needed to grapple with the “confusion” of getting two grandmothers, assuming their moms’ moms are nonetheless alive.
Etiquette can touch upon a number of the phrases getting used (or misused). Your ex-husband and his girlfriend are outdoors of regular utilization in making use of “grandmother” to a nonresident non-relative — simply as you might be outdoors of regular utilization in making use of “cordial” to a relationship with somebody you check with as “this female.”
Had your ex remarried, his then-wife might have declare to the title of grandmother. However even with out that, you haven’t any proper to dictate what the grandchildren name anybody apart from your self.
[The same letter showed up in the Asking Eric column. Here’s what Eric said.]
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a typical center youngster in that I’m at all times making an attempt to assist everybody within the household and hold them joyful.
I tackle most of my mother and father’ care as a result of my sisters have households at residence, and I’m single with grown youngsters. I work 60 hours per week, I’m the protected venting place for my youngsters, and my important different desires time, too, clearly.
That is too busy by itself, however I even have a critical psychological sickness (bipolar). I handle it properly and am very high-functioning. However how do I inform individuals they’re overwhelming me when every particular person’s want is comparatively small by itself?
GENTLE READER: Deal with the smaller requests by defending your time, reasonably than rebuffing them individually. So, for instance, you could not want to reply nonemergency calls or texts after dinner.
Miss Manners realizes this refusal to answer immediately will strike some denizens of the fashionable world as sacrilegious, however by no means worry: They’ll ultimately uncover the tactic for themselves and write books about how they have been the primary to counsel it.
