DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a cocktail party, the hostess had set a stunning desk with flowers and candles. I complimented her on the setting.
Later, as dinner began, I discovered the flowers blocking my view of the visitor throughout from me, stopping any potential dialog. I used to be keen on speaking with this visitor, so I requested the hostess if we may transfer the tall flowers so we may see one another. (Some stunning, shorter flowers and tall candles remained on the desk.)
She moved them, however muttered loud sufficient for everybody to listen to that she had set a gorgeous desk and I used to be ruining the look.
It was very embarrassing, however I thanked her for transferring them and didn’t say anything.
Later, my husband advised me I shouldn’t have stated something. I felt I dealt with it appropriately and the host ought to have been extra gracious.
GENTLE READER: In case your husband was suggesting you probably did something fallacious, Miss Manners will disagree.
However maybe he was merely suggesting that, because you each know your hostess, her response was predictable: You have been fortunate she didn’t decrease the extent of the flowers by emptying the vase into your lap.
If it occurs once more, you may repeat your praise of the flowers when asking that they be moved, or maybe get a agency grip on them as you make the request.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Somebody requested me to substantiate one thing, however I don’t need to as a result of it’s a private matter.
I don’t need to lie and deny it, however neither do I need to admit it’s true, as a result of it’s too private.
Plainly if I deflect or don’t reply immediately, they are going to nonetheless take the avoidance as a “yes.” What can I say?
GENTLE READER: “No.”
Avoidance — or its extra persistent cousin, procrastination — usually results in affirmation bias. Your buddy desires you to substantiate one thing, and, if given no proof on the contrary, will determine that you’ve got.
Miss Manners suggests {that a} sort, agency “no” can be extra clear for everybody concerned.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My work buddy has requested me to lunch just a few occasions, however I simply can’t afford to exit.
I don’t need to assume she is treating me, however I additionally don’t need to focus on my monetary scenario. I’ve made excuses however hate to proceed to take action.
GENTLE READER: Then settle for with out discussing your monetary scenario — or requiring anybody to pay. Say that you’ve got been bringing lunch to work, and that if she desires to do the identical, you’d get pleasure from consuming together with her.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve a co-worker who has talked about on just a few events that she will be able to’t attend sure work-related features as a result of she has a grown son with particular wants, and has to get residence to him.
Since she has talked about it just a few occasions, I feel she is OK speaking about it. How do I ask her about her son with out prying?
GENTLE READER: The pure time to ask can be instantly after the son is talked about in reference to one of many invites.
