FBI Director Kash Patel is dedicated to profiting from his time because the unlikely, unqualified head of the nation’s regulation enforcement company.
No, he’s not constructing massive circumstances or determining higher methods to maintain folks protected. As an alternative, Patel is profiting from the perks of his job. Nicely, not perks, actually. Extra like only a straight-up misuse of presidency sources.
It’s possible you’ll recall that, regardless of being the nation’s high regulation enforcement official, a job one would suppose required numerous hands-on consideration, Patel has not seen match to totally relocate to Washington. As an alternative, Patel likes hanging out in Las Vegas in a home owned by a timeshare tycoon pal. He’s additionally down with staying in Nashville, the place his girlfriend lives.
Have to be powerful managing a home in Vegas, a woman in Nashville, and a job in Washington, proper?
Alexis Wilkins, Patel’s girlfriend, stands by as her man is sworn in as FBI director.
Nicely, not in the event you simply use the FBI jet, which additionally frees you as much as get to your fave sporting occasions. So why not slurp up some taxpayer {dollars} to make use of that FBI jet to go on a date to see your girlfriend sing at a wrestling match at Penn State? Higher nonetheless, it was a hella dumb factor known as “Real American Freestyle,” an expert wrestling promotion co-founded by none aside from Hulk Hogan.
Aren’t you glad that your cash went to this?
The girlfriend in query, Alexis Wilkins, is ostensibly a rustic singer, however most of her output appears to be singing at occasions like this rubbish and Turning Level USA gatherings. However Patel actually, actually likes to see her sing, apparently, so he appears to have taken the FBI jet from Virginia to State School after which again to Nashville.
It’s at all times good once you can provide your girlfriend a experience dwelling, proper? And even higher if that experience house is on a personal jet paid for by the taxpayers.
Regardless of all this, Patel is placing out the phrase that he works so laborious each day. He’s too modest to say so, after all. So his extraordinarily pliant deputy, Dan Bongino—sure, the man so unhealthy at his job that he now has a co-deputy babysitter—went on Fox to insist that Patel works 13 hours per day, attending to the workplace at 6 AM and never leaving earlier than 7 PM.
“Joke’s on all of us” by Clay Bennett
That is as a lot of a lie because the one about how President Donald Trump works all day, each day, lengthy into the evening, when everyone knows what he’s actually doing is watching tv and consuming Weight-reduction plan Coke.
In actuality, very like the person who appointed him, Patel has already reduce down on the briefings he’ll attend, partly as a result of he simply can’t make it to the workplace by 8:30 AM. Nicely, yeah—he’s obtained to get there from Las Vegas or Nashville or wherever. You possibly can’t count on him to be on time each day.
Except for his lazy grifting, Patel can be a horrible boss, threatening polygraphs and firing folks with the remotest connection to somebody Trump doesn’t like.
Nicely, if Patel loses his job at any level, he can fall again on his merchandising expertise. In case you’re in want of a cheesy sweatshirt with a graphic that could be a mashup of Trump and The Punisher, Patel has you coated together with his Okay$H hoodies.
It’s at all times good to have a facet gig, although form of uncommon once you’re the FBI director. However his horrible clothes is simply one other strategy to present a cult-like devotion to Trump, which can most likely preserve him (un)gainfully employed by the federal authorities for the subsequent few years.
