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For many of my twenties, I assumed being “low-maintenance” was a praise. It meant I used to be likable, agreeable, and easy-going. In courting, particularly, I believed my job was to be chosen—to make myself enticing to another person. That was lengthy earlier than I even requested the extra essential query: Did I really like them?
As I’ve stepped into extra intentional courting, that mindset has unraveled. It hasn’t been simple—studying what I worth in others (and what instantly offers me the ick) has been each difficult and revelatory. However redefining and proudly owning my so-called “high-maintenance” qualities has taught me one thing essential: being high-maintenance isn’t about being arbitrarily tough. It’s about setting requirements, and refusing to let something into my life that dips beneath them.
Featured picture from our interview with Iskra Lawrence by Michelle Nash.
Why I’m Embracing Excessive-Upkeep (And You Ought to Too)
I’m embracing high-maintenance as a way of life with better readability and care. To me, it means prioritizing what feels good, refining what I want, and honoring my boundaries with out apology. As a result of after I cease performing for different folks and begin claiming what I really need, life feels much less like compromise and extra like alignment.
So right here’s my case for wanting extra. No more noise, extra stuff, or extra distraction—however extra intention, extra magnificence, extra of what brings me pleasure. And sure, I’ll fortunately name that high-maintenance.
Being high-maintenance isn’t about being arbitrarily tough. It’s about setting requirements, and refusing to let something into my life that dips beneath them.
Redefining Excessive-Upkeep
Someplace alongside the best way, “high-maintenance” grew to become shorthand for an excessive amount of. Too emotional, too opinionated, too explicit. It’s a label that’s usually used to shrink ladies, particularly those that know what they need and aren’t afraid to say it. For years, I resisted it. I assumed that being easy-going made me extra lovable, that preserving my preferences quiet was the well mannered—and proper—factor to do.
However I’ve realized that being “low-maintenance” on the expense of your self isn’t easy. Really? It’s exhausting. You spend your power making an attempt to anticipate what’s going to make others comfy as a substitute of asking what’s going to make you fulfilled. That type of self-erasure would possibly look calm on the floor, however beneath, it’s a quiet betrayal of your wants.
So I’ve began to reclaim the time period. To me, embracing high-maintenance means dwelling intentionally. It’s about selecting what provides worth, refusing what doesn’t, and exhibiting up on your life with discernment. Whether or not it’s in relationships, routines, or the best way you beautify your private home, it’s a apply of self-respect. It says: I care sufficient about myself—and the folks in my life—to be clear about what I want.
Boundaries as an Act of Care
For therefore lengthy, I mistook flexibility for kindness. I assumed saying sure—to plans I didn’t have the power for, to individuals who didn’t meet me midway—made me beneficiant. However actually, it simply made me depleted. If you’re used to being low-maintenance, boundaries can really feel like a risk to your likability. The reality is, they’re the muse of significant connection.
On this new period of courting, I’ve come to understand how a lot of my chill woman persona was constructed on quiet self-abandonment. I didn’t need to appear demanding, so I accepted lower than I wanted. However boundaries aren’t boundaries—they’re invites. They create house for relationships which can be rooted in honesty and mutual respect, as a substitute of quiet resentment.
And limits don’t simply belong in relationships. They’re important in how we spend our time, how we work, and even how we relaxation. Embracing high-maintenance means noticing the place you’ve been working on empty and deciding you received’t reside there anymore. It’s much less about saying no to others and extra about saying sure to your self.
Curating Your Excessive-Upkeep Mindset
If redefining high-maintenance begins internally—with self-awareness and bounds—then curating it’s how we deliver that consciousness into our each day lives. It’s not about complication or extra. It’s about studying what makes you’re feeling grounded, cared for, and alive—and selecting to create space for it.
For me, it’s the rituals that flip unusual moments into one thing sacred. It’s splurging on the moisturizer I take advantage of each night time as a result of it makes me pause and breathe. It’s setting the desk, even after I’m eating solo. It’s selecting quiet over fixed stimulation, solitude over compelled connection.
This mindset extends past self-care as nicely. It’s in how we gown, beautify, and design our days. Perhaps it’s modifying your closet to incorporate solely the items you actually love, lighting a candle earlier than your morning journaling session, or strolling to your favourite espresso store as a substitute of speeding by a drive-thru. These small, deliberate acts remind us that care and wonder can coexist with practicality.
Do that: Take stock of 1 space of your life—your routine, your house, or your relationships—and ask: Does this really feel like me? If the reply isn’t any, what would make it really feel extra aligned? Typically, it’s not about including one thing new, however eradicating what not serves you.
Permission to Need Extra
For therefore lengthy, I believed that wanting extra made me ungrateful. I assumed contentment meant staying quiet with what I had, that ambition and appreciation couldn’t coexist. The reality is, we will maintain each: we will love our lives deeply whereas nonetheless envisioning what’s subsequent.
Embracing high-maintenance has helped me see that need isn’t one thing to downplay. It’s a compass. The issues we wish—connection, creativity, magnificence—aren’t indicators of greed or vainness. They’re indicators of the place we’re being referred to as to develop.
Once we cease apologizing for wanting extra, we begin dwelling from a spot of growth somewhat than worry.
There’s energy in naming what you need, even when it feels daring or slightly uncomfortable. If you honor your wishes, you’re not chasing perfection—you’re saying, I’m definitely worth the effort it takes to reside a life that feels true to me.
Do that: Take into consideration one space of your life the place you’ve been settling—your work, your relationships, your routines. What would “more” appear to be there? What’s one small motion you can take this week to maneuver nearer to it?
Dwelling With Intention
The older I get, the extra I understand that ease doesn’t come from doing much less—it comes from doing what’s aligned. Dwelling with intention means making peace with the trouble required to construct a life that feels good. It’s not about comfort or management, however care.
Being high-maintenance, in the best way I’ve come to outline it, is absolutely about self-respect. It’s the selection to concentrate to how we spend our time, what we deliver into our houses, who we permit shut, and the way we present up for ourselves. It’s figuring out that when one thing requires your power, it must also return it.
That’s the quiet great thing about this period I’m getting into: all the things in my life, from the folks I like to the merchandise I take advantage of, is right here as a result of I’ve chosen it. Not as a result of it’s simple, or anticipated, or universally preferred, however as a result of it displays what issues to me.
Do that: Go searching your life and spot what feels easy and what feels draining. What wouldn’t it appear to be to edit your days with the identical care you deliver to your favourite rituals?
A New Period
For therefore lengthy, I equated high-maintenance with being an excessive amount of. Too explicit, too opinionated, too conscious of what I wished. However figuring out what you need is a energy. It means you’ve performed the work to take heed to your self.
That is the period I’m claiming: one outlined by discernment, by depth, and by the idea that my wants are usually not burdens—they’re invites. To decide on what feels aligned, to let go of what doesn’t, and to maintain shaping a life that appears like my very own.
As a result of possibly high-maintenance was by no means the issue. Perhaps the actual upkeep was the act of self-abandonment—of diluting who we’re to make others comfy. The reality: I’m not considering that type of ease.
