Harriette Cole: The caption on my middle-schooler’s TikTok selfie shocked me

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter is in center college, and I enable her to have social media so long as her mother and I’ve entry to her accounts.

Earlier this week she posted one thing moderately sexually specific on her TikTok account. It was a selfie, which is completely regular, however the caption she had written beneath it shocked me. It wasn’t something a preteen ought to be saying or posting on the web.

Her mother and I mentioned the right way to transfer ahead, however once we tried speaking to her about the place she realized that kind of language, she shut down. She refuses to speak to us about it, so we’ve taken away her privileges to make use of social media.

Punishment doesn’t appear to be essentially the most applicable response. How can we censor what our baby says, does or is uncovered to with out treating her like a prison?

— Parental Management

DEAR PARENTAL CONTROL: You can not management what your daughter is uncovered to, however you possibly can educate her what you worth.

Throughout this no-social-media part, proceed to attempt to discuss to her, not in judgment, however in actual fact.

Clarify that sure behaviors appeal to individuals who could also be harmful for her to know. Language expresses how one sees (and is seen by) the world. Encourage your daughter to make use of language rigorously in order that she is precisely reflecting who she is and what she stands for. Remind her that something she writes or says and publishes on-line can by no means be taken again, so she ought to think twice earlier than posting. What she posts ought to at all times symbolize her values.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Considered one of my greatest buddies got here to city. We’ve identified one another since school and have seen one another by means of quite a lot of chapters.

I don’t really feel like I’m in the very best season of my life proper now. I feel I’m on my solution to one thing nice, however the detour has been crammed with quite a lot of challenges, losses, hardships and a lot extra. My shut buddies are conscious of this.

When this good friend got here to city, we wished to fulfill up and catch up. Earlier than I might give her any updates, she grabbed each my palms and regarded into my eyes with sheer pleasure and advised me how proud she is of me. I used to be stunned as a result of often these kinds of speeches come after a definite accomplishment.

I didn’t know what to say, so I giggled somewhat and regarded away. She discovered my eyes once more and pleaded with me, telling me that I’m doing nice and that I’ve grown and achieved a lot.

I like her dearly and I belief her — so why can’t I feel these issues about myself? How can I be taught to be as pleased with myself as she says she is?

— Self-Doubt

DEAR SELF-DOUBT: It may be troublesome to really feel a way of satisfaction when issues aren’t secure in your life. That’s when it’s nice to be round cheerleaders like your good friend.

Additionally it is smart to rely your blessings in a literal means. Write down what you’re grateful for in your life, what you might have completed and what steps you take to get to your subsequent vacation spot. Recognizing the little issues will enable you to to note what you might have carried out that’s good.

Ask your good friend what she sees in you that makes her proud. Urge her to be trustworthy as you aren’t feeling so proud proper now your self. Actually pay attention and internalize what she has to say.