DEAR MISS MANNERS: We’re holding a celebration of life for my 28-year-old son at an airplane hangar.
I’m saying “Wear anything!” as a result of we would like it to be about celebrating his life greater than mourning his demise. I plan to put on white.
Do you make a distinction between funerals and celebrations of life, or do you imagine mourning prevails regardless? I’m not criticizing; beliefs are beliefs. I assume I’m questioning my actions at a wobbly time.
GENTLE READER: You elevate an fascinating query: Does a “celebration of life” require etiquette changes from a funeral, which it’s more and more changing?
Funerals was once set rituals, often non secular ones. Eulogies got by clergy members, who had been unlikely to have recognized the deceased in addition to their family and buddies, and will inadvertently make errors — misattributing particular virtues, for instance. Typically the eulogist was a stranger, decreased to saying issues like “She loved life,” as if that had been a novel attribute.
So the selection of eulogists turned to those that may communicate from shut information, and there have been increasingly more speeches, generally adopted by spontaneous remarks from different mourners. This format was way more evocative of the deceased, with particular examples that rang true, slightly than generalities that generally didn’t.
When such talks exceeded the ceremonial half, the occasion was renamed a “celebration of life.” Miss Manners understands that many, maybe most, folks desire this title. For one factor, it’s much more cheerful.
However there are risks.
One which many individuals have seen is that not everybody is presented at this. There are generally declarations of how a lot the deceased admired the speaker. There have been tasteless jokes and revelations, and prolonged impositions on the endurance of even probably the most bereaved.
However there may be one other hazard within the very premise of a celebration of life: the try to banish disappointment. So please don’t mandate cheerfulness.
This loss is a tragedy, and grief shouldn’t be made to appear misplaced. It’s possible you’ll succumb to it your self.
The American coloration of mourning is black, though the code is simply sporadically noticed (besides in instances of funerals for nationwide figures). However Miss Manners isn’t going to say you shouldn’t put on white — a mourning coloration in different cultures — if it makes you are feeling higher.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m blessed with a beautiful physician who’s caring, extremely smart, personable and who at all times has time for me. I thank her for her care and private concern for me at every go to.
Is there one thing else I can do to point out my appreciation? I’m on a modest funds, however I usually give reward playing cards (with a word) to mail carriers, janitors and different servicepeople who take pleasure of their work and go above and past their duties.
I assume my physician would haven’t any want for the $20 grocery reward card I often use as a thank-you. What would you counsel?
GENTLE READER: What about giving her one thing priceless, which is what she has given you?
Not solely wouldn’t it suit your funds, however it might price you little effort as a result of you could have already finished it. Simply write out the appreciation you could have despatched to Miss Manners and ship it to your physician.
