OPINION:
Oh, to live in this age of conspiracies. Did you hear the latest one?
President Joe Biden was in Olde Europe crotch-nuzzling European environmentalists when, according to the Duchess of Cornwall, he let rip an enormous cloud of personal methane.
“It was long and loud and impossible to ignore,” an acquaintance of Camilla Parker Bowles told the Daily Mail. “Camilla hasn’t stopped talking about it.”
Now, to fully appreciate the gravity of this story, you must speak those quotes aloud in the most spirited queen’s voice you can muster.
“It was long and loud and impossible to ignore!” If you don’t sound like a character from Monty Python, then you are doing it wrong.
Just like back in grade school, Mr. Biden’s emission was especially noxious because he is the leader of the free world. The Duchess and the duch-er were chatting amiably at an art gallery in Glasgow discussing the grave threat of methane emissions around the world when he violated the peace and decorum.
Oh, the hypocrisy!
Now, every word of this story is entirely true. Obviously, at press time, we cannot confirm actual audio and video evidence of Mr. Biden’s smog release in the company of the Duchess of Cornwall.
But we can confirm that we have watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail in its entirety. As a child, we memorized the scene where King Arthur and his Knights of the Roundtable were confronted by the Insulting Frenchman who was inexplicably guarding a castle in England.
“I fart in your general direction,” the crude foreigner shouts over the parapet wall at the perplexed English royalty. “Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!”
Despite the veracity of the Duchess’ claim about Mr. Biden’s breaking of royal wind, it is only a matter of time before Facebook and Google — the Gutenbergs of our time — clamp down and filter Mr. Biden’s foul air by declaring the whole matter some kind of conspiracy theory. After all, these are the same lying zealots who launched a thousand “fact checks” after somebody printed up a t-shirt supposedly quoting Joe Biden to sell on the Internet.
“Buy a man eat fish, the day, teach man, to life time,” read the offending t-shirt. It sure sounds like something Mr. Biden would say. But Google and Facebook were having none of it. Not kidding. Look it up on the Internet. There are more fact-checks over this t-shirt than there are on the entire Hillary Clinton hoax about President Trump colluding with Russia.
We now know that Mrs. Clinton’s campaign was the whole and entire source of the so-called Steele Dossier, which launched a thousand investigations and conspiracy theories into Mr. Trump’s first term in office. The Clintons, the media and the entire federal government’s bureaucratic state were so heavily invested in the Trump-Russia conspiracy theories that nobody thought to even ask if any of it was true.
Democrats have always been the party of conspiracy theories. In fact, they govern by conspiracy theory.
Democrat politicians have wrecked New York City, Washington, D.C., and other major American metropolises for decades. Instead of maintaining the infrastructure of these cities, Democrat politicians have stolen public money or wasted it on “human infrastructure” such as welfare and their crazy, pro-crime policies.
Now, every time it rains, New York’s subway system floods. Or, for the longest time, raw sewage washed directly into the Chesapeake Bay from the toilets of federal government office buildings.
The real culprit, Democrats, insist? You. Or “global warming.”
The only solution? More of your money. Paid to them. And $6 a gallon gasoline.
Welcome to the age of conspiracy theories.
• Charles Hurt is the opinion editor at the Washington Times.
