DEAR HARRIETTE: Each time I see a sure buddy of mine, she finds one thing to criticize about me.
Usually, she exclaims how huge my footwear look. Effectively, I’m tall and have huge ft, however I don’t admire having that identified on a regular basis.
I by no means criticize how she seems. I concern she is anorexic. Each time I see her, I fear that she is killing herself, but I chunk my tongue. She is so frail.
Why is it that she feels she has license to poke at me? How can I get her to cease?
— No Extra Jabs
DEAR NO MORE JABS: Have you ever ever requested her to cease? She might not know that her feedback upset you.
Subsequent time she says one thing that you just don’t like, cease her within the second. Inform her it hurts your emotions when she factors out your vulnerabilities. You possibly can add that you just by no means do this to her, however don’t elaborate by talking of your suspicions. Mentioning somebody’s huge ft just isn’t the identical as criticizing somebody’s consuming dysfunction.
Individually, in case you are involved about her well being, carry up the topic of her weight, and ask her if she thinks she may need assistance. Inform her you’re keen on her and wish the very best for her and that you’re nervous that she wants assist she will not be getting proper now.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m in a really one-sided friendship.
My buddy has been out of labor for an prolonged interval and is struggling because of this. I’ve gone out of my approach to assist by organising a job search on-line and monitoring it (he has no laptop), by often giving him money when he wants to purchase meals and by being as supportive as I can.
The opposite day I needed to speak to him about some issues which can be happening with me, and once I requested him to get collectively to speak, he mentioned he was busy. I received mad and spouted off that it’s not honest that I’m there for him on a regular basis, however he can’t be there for me once I want him.
I mentioned all this in a textual content, and he blew up, accusing me of claiming he’s taking benefit of me. That isn’t what I mentioned. I did say that I present up ASAP when he wants me, whereas he doesn’t appear to have time once I want him.
We aren’t talking now. I can’t work out how I’m the unhealthy man. I’m the one who has had his again for months now.
What can I do to restore this friendship? I do know he’s struggling and in a susceptible place, however I deserve consideration, too.
— Misunderstanding
DEAR MISUNDERSTANDING: Generally when persons are in excessive conditions like extended unemployment and monetary misery, they don’t have the capability to be there for others. Their view of the world can get distorted based mostly on their dire state of affairs.
Your buddy could also be within the place of not with the ability to be there for you. His retaliatory response could also be self-preservation.
That doesn’t imply it’s OK; it means you’ll unlikely be capable to get your emotional wants fulfilled by him proper now. Cease making an attempt.
